Some would say it's crazy to start a business in the middle of a recession-depression. I've found it to be profoundly energizing and smart, and doing so has enabled me to take a great big leap into a new adventure. In the next few weeks I will phase out Craving Balance, and finish the work of creating the LLC with my business partner Victoria Pynchon at She Negotiates.

So how did I go from Balance to Negotiation?

In my work with women I began to notice a repeating theme. We can answer the questions "who am I" and "what do I want" with relative ease. We can connect our values to our daily choices, and prioritize the mountain of tasks of daily living. We could achieve a certain level of balance, but the remaining question, "how do I get there" was a trail full of pebbles, rocks and boulders, sometimes tall rock walls that often seemed to end the trail abruptly. So we stepped over the boulders and in many cases bushwhacked new trails.

Deep into this trail we find ourselves having to ask for what we want, and stay diligent and focused and persistent. And here's the rub:

We women do not like to ask.

It's not nice. It's pushy. We don't want to be strident. We have internalized (agreed with) the culture's whacked out perspective of what it means to be a woman. We've swallowed it whole and are suffering an indigestion of the soul. In our everyday lives it looks like this:

• We hope that someone will notice how wonderful we are at our job rather than ask for a promotion or a raise and so we suffer being passed over and forgotten and become overworked, underpaid and bitter.
• We don't ask for a small business loan because we have to project our value in the marketplace, and this value feels uncertain.
• In our families and our workplaces, we put our needs and wants and dreams aside to be of service to others.
• We fail to notice and take stock of how the world changes for the better when we are in charge of our destiny.

Learning to negotiate gives us the keys to the castle and holds the possibility of transforming our relationships, and our work in the world. Negotiation allows us to express ourselves purposefully. And that purposefulness, above anything else, is what we will refer to when we're taking our last breath. "I'm happy I contributed something of value to the world."

So now, I'd like to turn over the keys to the castle. Here's my offer:

• Take Craving Balance and start your own business in the middle of the recession-depression :)
• Learn to negotiate by taking one of our phenomenal virtual, interactive courses.
• Leave a comment and tell me your thoughts.
• Email me to discuss any of the above: lisa [at] shenegotiates.com

In my work I've noticed a pattern. The women who come in the door with a "work+life balance" challenge, shortly uncover that their primary focus is to reclaim the power they've given away.

Women tend to start by saying, "my life is unmanageable at the current speed and current workload, but I can't see what I can let go of." In our sleepy mindsets, we overwork our natural tendency to be of service and feed the Knee Jerk Yes Syndrome. And yet it's still not the heart of the matter.

We will also complain about who and what is in our way. Often we say it’s the men in our lives who throw up roadblocks, or a power structure that we perceive to be hindering us. In other words, we point at everything external to ourselves as the reason we're in such a dither—why we didn't get the raise or promotion, or why nobody lifts a finger to pitch in with housework. Hell, we all do that before we wake up.

Here, we're getting warmer...

We say we want things like:

• Flextime
• Help with housework.
• A raise or promotion.
• Quality time with children and family.
• Friends who aren't energy sucks.
• Good sex.
• Money in the bank.
• Organized closets.
• Help with the children to find a few hours to focus on work.
• Better team work.
• Time for creative projects.

The two—admittedly stereotypical—ways we go about getting what we want are by 1) complaining, and 2) hoping someone will notice and do everything in their power to put us out of our misery.

Have you noticed how repeatedly ineffective those two choices are?

1. How many of you are in positions of relative power in your workplaces working at a fevered pitch and hoping, just craving that somebody notices how great you are and gives you a promotion?
2. How many of you have repeatedly asked your beloved to put the cap on the toothpaste to no avail?
3. How many of you can't believe you're being interrupted on the phone yet again, when you've asked your children repeatedly to wait until you're finished?
4. How many of you have quit a perfectly good job because the guy in the next cubicle was being paid more than you?

That's what I thought.

You know by now that you're the one who needs to do the asking. Right? The world is not looking out for you. It's not a malicious thing, it's just the way it is. But it's the quality of our asking that needs the most work. In the coaching profession this is called asking powerful questions, or open-ended questions. Mediators and negotiators call it asking "Diagnostic Questions."

Here's an example of turning our whining and complaining and closed-ended YES-NO questions into Diagnostic Questions:

• Is there any chance of getting a promotion? | When are you free to discuss my promotion?

• Will you take the trash out every night? | When would a good time for taking out the trash every night?
• Do you like vanilla ice cream? | What are your favorite flavors of ice cream?
• Are you happy? | What would it take to make you happy?
• Is this a price you're willing to pay? | What price are you willing to pay?

Diagnostic questions help uncover the needs, wants and desires of the other person (and it's a good idea to know your own answers to the questions you're asking). They also help to frame the subject of your conversation in a way that will influence the outcome and help find a collaborated resolution. Here's a few more:

• Why is it so difficult to remember to put the cap on the toothpaste?
• If we were partners in this, how could we use our strengths to support each other?
• If we were partners in this, how could your strengths improve my weaknesses and my strengths improve your weaknesses?
• What's getting in the way of showing up on time?
• What's difficult about following the rules as they are now?
• If we created new rules, would that help resolve some of the problems you're having with X now?
• What's upsetting you?
• What do you think is fair?
• Why do you think that's fair?
• What about that resolution seems fair?
• What else?
• What might be left unsaid or undone?

But we can’t really achieve balance, and navigate our daily lives and everything on our plates by pointing fingers. We have to know ourselves, our values, and our purpose. When we know who we are and what we want, and we have the strategic tools to ask for what we want and make it happen, we will have true personal power, and economic wellbeing.

And that, my friend, is real balance.

P.S.  This is PRECISELY what we'll be teaching women to do (and a lot more) in our upcoming virtual course, SHE NEGOTIATES starting July 19. We challenge you to negotiate your way into this course.



I have a confession.

I like using that phrase because confessions usually cause people to perk up their ears and hang in for the dark chocolate...

Victoria Pynchon  and I have know each other since 2006. She's my partner in the Balance University course She Negotiates.  Our friendship started as a love affair with words and writing, and has moved into one of the most important relationships in my life. Not just because of her brilliance as a lawyer, mediator and negotiation trainer, but because we transform each other and call each other out and laugh—a great deal. We're like kids dunking Oreos in milk and forgetting to cover our mouths when we guffaw and make a beautiful mess in the kitchen.

We started designing She Negotiates back in March. Between that time and now, winding our way through conversations spanning all of human history, something transformational happened. And unexpected. I am at peace with my husband.

I am at peace with my husband.

What the heck does that have to do with negotiating, you might ask. Well, lemme say this: it would never have happened if I hadn't declared that peace on the planet will be possible when women know their value. I called Victoria to ask her to teach the course, I knew nothing about framing and concessions and counter offers and log rolling or expanding the pie. As a co-actively trained and certified coach, I thought I knew everything about diagnostic questions and Socratic inquiry--the stock in trade of mediators, negotiators and coaches. But it was my friendship with Victoria and the daily conversations that made room for a big deal change in my daily real life.

I remember making a "note to self." The note said, "Watch what happens when you shift your entire way of being. Go ahead. Ask him a few questions. Get curious." Look, I'm a coach, I'm supposed to have this nailed or I would have to call myself a fraud...so the story goes.

A few days ago, my nearly 14-year-old said, "Wow. You two are completely different. You're happy. You're so gentle and accommodating. I mean, you even went to Home Depot together. I feel so happy. Thank you mommy, thank you daddy. It feels really good." Break my heart beautiful, isn't it?

So. By all means take the She Negotiates course to get a pragmatic handle on your value, your potential in the market. Take it to learn how to ask for and get a promotion or a raise. Take it to turn the table on the wage and income gap. But the real takeaway for humanity is to master this one little negotiator's tool: diagnostic questions. Master the art of being curious and "getting over there" in every single conversation...the cashier in the grocery store, your boss, your team, your neighbor, your banker, your mechanic, the person next to you as you fall asleep at night.

And prepare to be awakened. 

Get the Early Bird Discount for She Negotiates starting July 19 and Save $75!