Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 10:30PM Saying Yes Creates Extreme Cost to Work-Life Balance
Women are the queens of saying yes. It's hard wired. Our intrinsic values of inclusion, inspiration, collaboration, connection and service enter the room ahead of us. We are already there, fully invested, ready to make things happen and loathe to disappoint.
And yet, there's a cost. A huge cost to our experience of accomplishment and joy—even legacy.
My very wiseguy friend/consultant/speaker/guru Steve Roesler at All Things Workplace, offers a perfect prescriptive:
Multiple, meaningful "No's" are the antithesis of female social relationships. Therefore, part of the journey is to create a personal vision for life that is so compelling, the notion of "No" becomes an act of self-love, and—because of the ultimate importance of your vision to those closest to you—saying "No" becomes an act of love to all concerned.
So what if today's the day you begin multiple, repeated acts of self love and model true feminine leadership at home and in your workplace?
Here are a few examples to get you started:
- No: "Yes, I'd love to participate, and I'm going to have to decline."
- No with help: "I love that you thought of me, and I'm unable to participate. How can I help you find someone else?"
- No with appreciation: "I think your idea is fabulous, and I'm not able to participate at this time."
- No and yes: "Yes, I'd love to participate, and I'm going to have to table it until July.
- No and yes much later: "I am so touched that you thought of me, and I won't be available until January."
- No with specific yes: "I'd love to help you with your project, and I'm on a deadline until Tuesday. Can we meet on Wednesday?"
- No absolutely: If I take on another task right now, I wouldn't be honoring my commitment to my [family] [work] [business].
- Just plain no: NO.
The cost of saying yes:
- Trading what you value for being liked.
- Trading accomplishing personal and professional goals for pleasing others.
- Trading leadership for knee-jerk "victim of circumstances."
- Modeling to our daughters and female co-workers that our ideas/goals/dreams don't matter.
Ouch. Are you ready for something different? Are you ready for your real life to show up?
In joy,
Lisa
Reader Comments (6)
You have such wisdom and insight. Imagine how powerful it would be if women all over the world took your advice and said "no" regularly. How much happier we'd be--our relationships with our husbands, our children, our employers and our friends would be so much more meaningful. We'd find our energy and our power again. We'd give freely instead of out of obligation. Thanks for the reminder, Lisa!
@Krya that's really it. Getting back to our true power as women.
This is always a challenge for women who are raised to be helpers and supporters. We feel guilty whenever we put our own needs first. Fortunately, that's changing, but we could always use a little coaching in that area.
@Annaly, we keep working it. Kind of like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first...then help others. Yes? Thanks for commenting!
You're so right. Women are programmed to say yes. Sometimes even when I intend to say no, I end up saying yes. I have trained myself to say, "I'll think about it" before answering a request. It helps me avoid that knee-jerk reaction and allows me to formulate just how to say no with style.
@Cindy, so true. I really think saying "lemme think about it" is one of the best things anybody can say to a request, even if we think we know the answer. We need a little reflection, otherwise we say yes prematurely and irritate the heck out of people when we don't live up to our promises.